Moving On

Well.... it seems a long time since I wrote anything. I'll complete my chemo journal presently, but I'll leave that for now.  It was rather harder towards the end to keep my strength and spirits up, which, as is my habit, made me rather more introverted than usual.

All that is behind me now though. Nothing is ever as bad when I look at it in hindsight, thank God. Anyway, moving on...

My last chemo was right before Eid of 2012, which would be June I guess. My hair came back, which was not at all a comfortable experience --it ITCHED lol -- but I was so happy to be getting my hair back that I didn't mind it too much. It was a novelty to be bald as an egg EVERYWHERE, not even eyebrows or eyelashes, but that novelty wears off pretty quickly.

Once chemo ended, I was really weak for a while. I felt sleepy at around 4 pm and slept till the next day, waking up every 2 hours or so from thirst. Then it was 6 pm, eventually 8 pm, then 10pm. By then it was November and I decided it was time for the next phase. I needed to get back to my hometown and take care of getting my new house ready for occupation.

I thought I could start off from my house early in the morning and take a slow drive down to Terengganu, but Murphy's Law made itself felt very strongly. BOTH lifts from my apartment broke down. We waited till 10am, then one lift started working and my husband began taking our stuuf down to the car. He got half of it down then the lift broke down again and he had to take the stairs up 6 floors. We kind of gave up for a bit but the lift started working again at 2 pm and we decided to get on with it since the next day was a public holiday and the roads would most likely be congested.

My husband was absolutely FASCINATED by the clouds touching the hilltops along the way to Kuantan

A couple of weeks earlier my best friend contacted me with the news that our XKT87 batch was planning a Grand Reunion and asked me to be part of the organizing committee. I, having been bored out of my mind and secretly afraid that I won't be much good to anyone any more, said yes over my husband's worried remonstrances.  So there I was, putting together a list of all our batch contact numbers, verifying them to be correct and informing them of our reunion in June, while doing my best not to let my husband drive himself nuts over the lift. Suddenly it felt like the good 'ol days and I lost quite a bit of my self-doubt XD.

BUT, having started on the journey, I ran out of steam just before Kuantan. (For you non-Malaysians, I should explain that the entire journey to my hometown is in excess of 500 kilometers, and Kuantan is about halfway there).  I was fortunate that my XKT87 Taskforce group uses WhatsApp and that my Nokia C3 managed to handle it. I ended up getting a call from one of my old schoolmates who I hadn't met in years and she invited us to spend the night at her house. I was really not in much of a condition for socializing that night I think -- I tend to space out and go through the motions like a zombie when I get tired -- the way I rationalize it is that my mind is already asleep though my body wasn't. I hope I made up for it the next morning, but that particular friend of mine is a gynecologist so I'm pretty sure she understands.

My friend's house in Kuantan -- I lost our pics together when my phone died :(

 In any case we set off again after breakfast and made it to my mom's house by evening, stopping by at my aunt's house in Kemaman along the way.

With my uncle, cousin and aunt in Kemaman

I slept like the dead after dinner, and if I remember correctly, most of the next day as well.  The thought crossed my mind that maybe I should have waited a little bit longer until I was stronger, but the monsoon season was coming and the roads could have been much more dangerous if I had waited. Anyway, I did arrive safely, though it took me 2 days to do it. For the next month or so, my pattern was 4 to 5 days of normal, energetic activity, after which I got really sleepy and slept for 2 to 3 days.  I called them my hibernation days.

I spent some days camped at McDonalds getting my Grand Reunion stuff done, some days getting my house ready for us to move in and some days hibernating.  We got the water heater installed, and the internet hooked up. The Internet took longer than I thought. Apparently there were not too many people asking for it around my area and it took 2 friends in TM to shake things up enough that I finally got a 1mbps land line. After UniFi 20 1mbps is PAINFUL, but not as painful as no internet.  Once I got my computers hooked up, I started worrying about leaving them there while we were not in residence. So finally we got the prayers done and my husband and I moved in. It was pretty basic living at that time, but I didn't mind. Especially once we had our kitchen equipped. My husband had to make a lot of adjustments being a "city boy", especially since our house was built in the middle of what used to be what I can best describe as a "semi forest". It truly brought home to me what a treasure it was that God had given me in him.

We propped up the computers on plastic chairs or stacked the screen on the CPU since there was no furniture at the start

In the meantime, the rains had come with a vengeance, 3 to 4 days of it non-stop, then a little breather, then again it starts. Our house was reasonably safe from floods, but it got incredibly cold. After the first day or so of rain the walls were incredibly cold to touch, and we were both very happy that we had an electric mattress to sleep on. Rain or no rain, we started the process of making sure the land was in good care and got the house ready to move in all our stuff that we had in our Shah Alam house. I thought everything would take 3 months tops, but it took 6 months. It was an adventure.

Tilers working in my kitchen -- they were the most disciplined bunch of contractors I had to work with and did the best work in record time

The rains let up in March, my Nokia C3 died in April, I got it revived but my mom kindly got me a Samsung Note in May, at which time we felt we had to get on with moving our stuff.  So I made the journey to Shah Alam, already planning to take a break in Kuantan. My friend from primary school put us up at one of the service apartments he owns. I ended up staying 2 days in Kuantan, since I had a flat tyre that needed mending and I didn't want to arrive at my Shah Alam home too tired to do anything.

Hubby changing the flat tyre with the help of a good samaritan

My friends from primary school met up with hubby and I for afternoon tea, then dinner... It was GREAT!!! Thank you so much guys :)

I arrived in Shah Alam in good time.  We got up to my apartment (lifts were working fine now... huh!!!) but neither my husband nor I could stay long in the apartment.  We both started getting allergy reactions so we decided to spend the night at a budget hotel nearby.  Since I had already arranged to have some workers come over to clean up the house on the next day, we both agreed that it would be better just to wait till then before we sleep in the house.

Best Hotel in section 7 Shah Alam is very comfortable and they even gave us a ground floor room... we made ourselves at home for the night

The next day started with me picking up the 3 workers and they started making the whole house fit for occupation again.  They worked pretty fast, all things considered, and we were able to sleep in the house that night.

Thank God I made arrangements for the workers lol... it was a job getting everything cleaned up again

Not to be outdone my husband (God Bless him!) joined the army of cleaners even though I told him that was kind of redundant

I spent the day on the balcony avoiding as much of the dust and dirt as I possibly could ;P

It turned out that the reason my husband and I both had a bad reaction when we entered the house was because the cap of the floor trap from the kitchen of the house above us (does this sentence make sense?) had come off sometime during our absence and the waste matter from the sink of the kitchen above basically made their home in our kitchen.  The entire area was not only smelly, the floor had maggots and there was an icky substance over everything.  I got rid of my stove and the little cabinet it was sitting on -- both were fully covered in icky goo and I don't think I'd ever be able to bring myself to cook on it again, ewwww... The washing machine wasn't in direct line of fire but it didn't work that well any more and after discussion with my mom we decided that we'd get it repaired in Terengganu.

Once we got settled in, we began the (exhausting) process of packing.  I had to look into all the boxes and containers in the house (there were A LOT) and decide what to bring back, what to throw away and what to give away.  I ended up sending off 3 carloads of stuff to my friend for her to distribute to the needy or sell off.  I must have thrown away at least 5 rubbish bags of old papers and stuff, and in the end we STILL had a lot of stuff *sigh*.  I got rashes on my arms and legs, they were getting pretty bad so I had to go see a skin specialist. They never did fully go away although they got A LOT better. 

Thank God for the workers!  After all my sorting it took them 3 solid days to pack most of the stuff, and when the lorry came, it took another whole day for a different set of workers to pack the rest, and we ended up filling up the whole lorry to the brim and having to ask the lorry to come back and transport another load of stuff...

I didn't spend the whole time packing though. We managed to squeeze in some socializing, my hubby got his new identity card from his high commission, and of course, I still went swimming regularly.  I even managed to squeeze in my first training after chemo :D

These lovely XKT87 Jelitawans in Shah Alam

With my friend from primary school at One Utama

I even got a gift!

Hubby managed to play bowling for the first time @ One Utama too

And, as unwieldy as that looks, he got quite a few strikes!!!

Another bunch of friends @ Bangsar

Shah Alam Aquatic Centre has really pro indoor pool, I loved it even though the water is pretty cold  most of the time and can be pretty crowded at times

The aquatic centre was closed for a few days and we tried out this pool... the pool itself is just ok ok, but the environment was good

Participants for my first training program after chemo... at Shah's Village PJ.  They have a pretty decent pool too :)

Then, once all was done... I set out for my reunion in Kuantan.  It started off rather stressfully, I somehow forgot to do mailmerge @.@ and screwed up everybody's name tags rather badly.  My friends were kind and forgiving about it all though so all was good.  I even got a lucky draw prize lol.  The reunion was great, even though I was pretty tired.  Meeting my secondary school friends who some of them I've not met since hostel days was wonderful.  The second day (2nd June) we had our club EGM, and after that, my darling hubby surprised me with a birthday cake!

With my homeroom teacher at the Reunion Grand Dinner

I got a lucky draw gift yaayyyyy!!!

My awesome birthday cake.  Hubby ordered this absolutely delicious chocholate cake that is  chocholate inside, chocholate outside chocholate everywhere... because I love chocholate and even though he doesn't like em that much.

After all the excitement, I took a bit of a rest, but did manage to go for dinner that night with another friend and his family.  They helped us finish the birthday cake lol.

3rd June we checked out at 12, had lunch at the hotel and set ourselves for home.  I spent the night at my parents' and got home the next day to a house absolutely FULL OF STUFF.  Ah well, it was 2 lorries and we've managed to clear quite a bit of them now.

Home sweet home

NOT so sweet inside tho lol

Looked like this after a week or so.  Unpacking still in progress :)

In between unpacking, I've started an online business and started swimming again.  I kind of had to forgo it for about a week before we left Shah Alam, so I'm back to half of the laps that I was doing before.  My rashes from Shah Alam are much less, but somehow I've gotten a new one that looks and feels rather a lot worse. I got some creams for them, and they seem not to be spreading... I hope.

Yesterday, 23rd June 2013, I went for my check up, and my CA125 is at 71, which is pretty close to what it was before my last chemo.  My doctor ordered another blood sample to check those results and I'll be seeing her again on 10th July. 

I'll keep posting from time to time :)

My Cancer Stories

My Endometrioma Journey
A story of my journey to discovering, removing and recovery from it...

Chemotherapy Journal
A day by day journal of going through chemotherapy

Michael Specter: The danger of science denial | Video on TED.com

Michael Specter: The danger of science denial | Video on TED.com

Communicating Effectively

Opinions on English

English in Malaysia has been very much in the media recently. I find the discussions interesting, but also frustrating. It has come to the point where I feel the urge to put my oar into this seemingly murky waters.

I have said over and over again that our biggest problem with English in Malaysia is not that we don't KNOW it, its that we don't USE it.

Consider the following:

1. Even the average kampung person in Peninsular Malaysia would know the meaning of "Hello", "Hi", "How are you", "How much" etc. Anyone who finished primary school would know how to say the above. A higher majority would be able to say "I love you" just like an inordinate number of Malaysians know what "pyaar", "divana", "maaji" means, and even "ochaiyuk".
2. Anyone who did not cut school continuously half the time, for 6 years in Primary School and 5 years in Secondary School would be able to understand simple English. They might not understand native speakers who speak with strong accents, or too quickly, but they would be able to understand the general meaning of what they hear and read, provided they are common, simple English words, i.e. Queen's English.
3. University students in Malaysia, especially those in technical fields, use English references in the form of books and online references. They understand what they read and are even able to translate it into Malay for their assignments and academic papers (for those of you who still don't know, this is a common "trick" used by students so that can reproduce entire pages of those reference in their papers without being caught plagiarizing)
4. English movies are watched, understood and enjoyed at home and in the cinemas, even when the subtitles are absolutely atrocious, as still happens from time to time, though not as frequently as before.

So what IS this big drama about English?

The complaint from employers is that they can't employ fresh graduates because their English is bad, or they can't speak English. What do you want to bet that those same graduates, if given an objective English test, would be able to answer correctly on simple grammar? What do you want to bet that they can say "Yo man, wazzup" or "I'm gonna go home now" perfectly well, and even with an accent?

The problem is NOT grammar. We have gone through 11 years of grammar classes in school. The problem is usage. I am from Terengganu. That means that I have studied in classes where the students are 90 to 100% Malay throughout my mainstream education. I have never studied overseas. I am not a "mixed blood". I don't have high IQ. But I have scored in English throughout my secondary school and beyond. When I applied to local universities, I was met with blank disbelief when I showed that I achieved A1 in my English 1119, which I sat for when I was in Form 4, instead of Form 5 like everybody else. What made me different from everyone else around me? I have been asked "Jalini, why is your English so good", "Jalini, how can I speak English like you" and similar questions so many times I've lost count. I've had a lot of time to ponder, and come up with answers. The key is in some of the things I did differently:

1. I read English books voraciously, since Primary School. I cannot to this day live a single day of my life without a book. I still read English story books.
2. I was curious and made friends with the non-Malays in my class, with whom I spoke English.
3. I watch English movies on television, and I watch the actors' lips and listen carefully when they form the words, instead of reading the subtitle. My friends have discovered that I can't hear anything else when I'm watching TV, that's how much I concentrate.
4. I was active in debates, speech competitions, drama etc.
5. I wrote my diary in English since I was 8 years old. I sought out pen pals through Big Blue Marble. To this day, I chat and correspond with native speakers, and find channels (like this blog) to write.
6. When I had the opportunity to encounter native speakers, I actually sought out their friendship, and managed to copy their accents, learnt more about common usage and the finer points of etiquette, expressions and pronunciation.

I didn't do all of this with any clear objective in mind. It was almost accidental. There were also several things that I did NOT do:

1. I did NOT pay attention to those foolish people who laugh at me and call me names because I spoke English instead of Malay.
2. I did NOT put on airs just because my English is good. I just kept on learning and improving through the years.
3. I did NOT feel ashamed to speak English. I almost never consciously think about it, I just speak it every chance I get, read it at every opportunity, watch it, listen to it, write it, every chance I get.
4. I did NOT improve my English so that I can pass any exam. I aced the exams because I improved my English.

The reason for this minor obsession is the subject of a different blog. The net result of all this is that:

1. I read very fast -- I've had a lot of practice. This means I can study faster, absorb written information faster, and therefore don't need as much time for research as others.
2. I don't know much grammar. Perfect tenses confuse me no end. I just know when something sounds right, or when it sounds wrong, whether written or spoken. I speak and write English without thinking about the words, just the message. They come out right because I just "know" how its supposed to be expressed.
3. I can understand native speakers perfectly. More importantly, they can understand me. I can automatically mirror any English accent well enough that I usually impress the native speaker.
4. I can guess the spelling of most English words, and their meaning, because I would have encountered most of them in different contexts.
5. I was more valuable than others in any company I've worked with, I could contribute more in an area that is essential in all organizations, and therefore I had a secure job and could demand higher pay throughout the times I was interested in being employed.
6. I now make money from this skill. It is something I share that never diminishes, but improves with every sharing. It has become my life's work, and a lucrative one.

So, whats the point in writing all this? None of the things I did are difficult to do or costly. Books can be borrowed from the library, newspapers cost little, we all have television and radio. Even Internet access is so cheap and common now. The reason I'm writing this is to broadcast to all who might want to know that it is EASY to improve your English. You are the ultimate author of your destiny. All you have to do is create the environment. All you have to do is decide to take a few actions, do certain things a bit differently, and you can see tremendous improvement within 6 months.

Don't believe me? I can prove it. In fact, I AM the proof.

Oh these "challenging" times... the birthday introspection

It was my birthday last week. 2nd June to be exact. I find that its a good thing to have my birthday in the middle of the year. Its like a mid-year review. I've made a practice of thinking about all I have done, and considering whether its the way to go or if I should make changes to the overall plan.

Of course, this year I've had to make a lot more adjustments than other years. The "challenging times" have taken their toll. But, me being me, the ship is still afloat, I'm still moving forward, and reasonably at peace. Certain things shook my confidence a bit -- a bad review from a training program, a good and valued friend deciding to wind up his business, the staggering (to me) amounts I have and am still going to have to draw from my reserves.... stuff like that. I still come back to the same place though. Some people may call me stubborn (some people HAVE called me stubborn), but I still can only make the choices that I myself believe to be right. Me winding up my company because of a challenging year is ridiculous. Me not good at what I do is also a silly assumption. I have data to back that. 12 years' worth of feedback does not lie. Being replaced by teams is not evidence for lack of ability.

I've come to the conclusion that I'm just not perfect. That is all. Such a simple thing. Nobody is, so there's no cause for concern. The thing about doing more than one person usually does, I sometimes expect too much of myself and fall short. After all, I am encased in a human body, not a mechanical one. So I'm focusing (or rather, re-focusing) on what to do next. The eternal question, and one that needs to be answered every day.

I've also been faced with what I believe to be more than my share of negativity. People who go through life wanting a lot, not putting in the requisite effort to get it, and then feel dissatisfied and blaming everything else except their own false assumptions. Knowing that these people are melancholy does not help. However, that will not be a major concern for the future I think. My life path will be putting the balance right very soon. It is true that we have to be careful who we have around us. Negative people bring negative thoughts, and a mind filled with positive thoughts is essential for a positive life.

This month is my month of reflection. I re-evaluate the tenets of my life, and see if they are still true and if I have been true to them.

It is better to do business honestly
I have encountered situations where if I had been willing to pay a bribe, or otherwise engage in unethical behaviors, I would have been able to get lucrative contracts. I have purposely chosen not to do so. As a result, I have loyal clients who appreciate my integrity, and I have a host of people willing to work with me because if that integrity. It is a reputation that has incalculable value. There's also a more fundamental reason. This is not really a business I'm engaged in. It is a vocation. It tarnishes the end result - in my eyes and I believe in the yes of God - when I engage in non-ethical behavior.

I am now going to try to up the ante for myself a little. I have chosen not to work with people who do engage in such practices. Yes, I've made things more difficult for myself. This year, especially, there have been people telling me that this is the only way to get business, and I find them almost believable. However, in the end, I can only feel sorry for such. Doing right or doing wrong is a choice we all make for ourselves. I choose to do right as much as I can, where I can. This is one of the right things that I can do. I hope it compensates for any other right things that I can't do or haven't done.

Having my own business is still better for me than having a job
Yes, its more challenging, there are more risks, things will not always be good. That is a given. But I am better equipped to do this than many others. I have been prepared for it by my parents' upbringing, and by the path that I have chosen for myself all this while. It is like a marriage, and it IS for better and for worse. People who succeed and become rich start just the way I have started, and have faced much worse challenges without giving up. The key is not giving up.

So, yes, I have sent out resume's. But I do that from time to time, when I need external data on how much I am actually worth to organizations. Its been a steady rise all this while - my worth to companies that is. That is always reassuring to know.

Of course, all things are relative. If I am offered a position that would allow me to still carry out my vocation (this business that I have put my life blood into), albeit in slightly modified manner, with compensation that is too good to resist, I might accept. If there is a job out there that would fit me and my vision of my future, then, there is no reason to say no.

Balance is essential
I have lived a great part of my working life as a workaholic. Working day and night with no rest and no time to myself. Pushing myself to the limit of my endurance and beyond. Driving myself towards burnout.

After my last bout of vehicular accidents and illnesses, I have decided that I will take my well-deserved rest when I need it. That IS a correct decision, and I will continue to practice that. Oh, I still sleep less than 4 hours some nights, and 4 hours many nights of the week, but I know how long I can go on doing that, after which I need to get back on solid ground. I relax as I always have, with a book or a movie, sometimes with friends.

I had neglected my exercise, my eating regimen and my nutritional supplements for many months since late 2008, without quite realizing what I was doing. I need to get back on track or my health will suffer again and I will be of no help to anyone. And swimming, of course. Having grown up by the beach in Terengganu, water in all its beautiful forms have fascinated and soothed me, always. I am fortunate now to have arrived into an environment where I can accomplish this in comfort and reasonable happiness.

Put anxieties in their place, and focus on the job at hand
This I have always found difficult to do, and I still find it difficult. It is the difference between KNOWING how something should be done and actually being able to do it. I have always been an emotional person, although I have succeeded in putting it within reasonable limits of late. However, anxiety is an insidious thing -- difficult to control, combat or eradicate. I try to balance it out with positive opinions, but it does take its toll on me. It slows me down, it distracts, I find myself avoiding all reminders of it... but this is dangerous. It is especially dangerous because some of these anxieties stem from the job at hand, and if I avoid doing that, I avoid giving my clients their due.

So I push myself towards its completion regardless. The act of pushing is of course not enjoyable, and things don't flow as smoothly as those that I have no anxiety over. However, I find that the end result is usually better. Its probably because I agonize over it more, so whatever is done has more of my thoughts put into it. I go through it more slowly, so there are less mistakes.

I still haven't decided whether I should work towards eradicating this, or whether it is a positive contribution to my overall being. The jury's still out on this.

Seek and ye shall find
It is true. I seek mentors to bring me to the next mental plane, so that I can better utilize the powers of attraction, better control my spiritual relationships as well as personal ones, and I have come into contact with many potentials. 3 are in the short-list now. I am still not sure which will be the right one, but I have a suspicion... I think that the reason I held off on the first 2 potential mentors I met, was because they were not quite right for me. The last one had great potential.

Never stop learning
I've always had this hunger for knowledge, and I cannot go through many years without enrolling in something or other. While I was working in Architect firms I was studying Information Systems. While I was working in Training I sat in a lot of the training programs, and eventually completed my Masters. I have been itching to do my Doctorate, but I have yet to find the right research topic -- one I could competently research in, using as much as possible my participants as the sample population, and one I would not mind thinking about and researching on for at least 3 to 5 years, which is how long a serious doctorate / PhD would take me. Also, it needs to be a topic that would contribute to my vocation.

Now I am undertaking study towards the Project Mangement Professional certification by PMI. It is certainly challenging. But I decided to study this because there are gaps in my knowledge in this area, and once I fill in those gaps, I have added another area of specialization in which I could competently train others -- and this one is technical and valuable. It slakes my hunger for accumulating knowledge and skills, and this one would be able to contribute to my vocation as well.

I am still very far from "knowing everything" and "being good at everything", which was how I defined what I want to be "when I grew up" to my father when I was still very young, but I am making progress ;-)


Basically, those are the highlights of my review this year. A lot, but maybe still not enough. I'll write more if something else occurs to me.

Who Learns Most?

The picture here is from my latest training. This one is at Giant Melaka (thanks ever so much Abang Lee for the Tour Guide service hehehe, or I would have been totally lost over there). Its called "Kemasan Diri dan Etiket di Tempat Kerja" or, in short, GROOMING. Now if you've read my previous blog, there's no way I would like a program about Grooming. But I do deliver it. All this while, I have never managed to drum up any kind of enthusiasm for grooming myself, but I've been able to accept it as a necessary evil. Like it or not people do judge a book by its cover. I've spent years perfecting the fastest, easiest and most effective way of putting on make-up and looking good, because I hate wasting time doing it. What I've always done is share all those techniques, and of course, I understand very well the frustration and irritation of having to look good for others, so I can relate to it.

However, having been thrown into these programs mentally kicking and screaming, I have found that I am not proof to my own blandishments. Somehow, whatever I preach I have to believe, and one of the things I preach is that if you don't like something, then by all means, don't do it. But if you have to do it, then maybe you should learn to like it. My goodness, I am if anything the slowest learner on earth. It has taken me 20 years to learn this particular lesson that my mother has preached me from the day I turned 18.

You see, part of the program is convincing a group of front-liners that how they look and act is important to others, but, more to the point, important to themselves. I saw them reluctantly opening their (for some, first ever) make-up kit. Wielding their brushes and applicators timidly, trying to make the least impact possible on their face. That was a job of work let me tell you!

I cajoled them, I brought them step-by-step through the process. At the end of it I took their pictures and projected it on the screen. I showed them what they looked like, what they really look like after the makeover, and, they were amazed! You can see how suddenly everyone was sitting up straighter, smiling more, looking happier, more confident and more energetic. It was a revelation to them. Look at them! Aren't they all beautiful? I'm so proud of them I could burst!

I came out of that program with very good feedback. I know I'll be one of the trainers in demand for that particular program now. But I also came out of the program thinking very much about myself. I've never worn make-up except when I'm delivering training or attending meetings. I've never worn it for myself. Today I did, and guess what? I feel good! I feel happier, brighter, more joyful, I have more energy to face the day, I feel equal to the tasks ahead of me.

Go figure!