It was my birthday last week. 2nd June to be exact. I find that its a good thing to have my birthday in the middle of the year. Its like a mid-year review. I've made a practice of thinking about all I have done, and considering whether its the way to go or if I should make changes to the overall plan.
Of course, this year I've had to make a lot more adjustments than other years. The "challenging times" have taken their toll. But, me being me, the ship is still afloat, I'm still moving forward, and reasonably at peace. Certain things shook my confidence a bit -- a bad review from a training program, a good and valued friend deciding to wind up his business, the staggering (to me) amounts I have and am still going to have to draw from my reserves.... stuff like that. I still come back to the same place though. Some people may call me stubborn (some people HAVE called me stubborn), but I still can only make the choices that I myself believe to be right. Me winding up my company because of a challenging year is ridiculous. Me not good at what I do is also a silly assumption. I have data to back that. 12 years' worth of feedback does not lie. Being replaced by teams is not evidence for lack of ability.
I've come to the conclusion that I'm just not perfect. That is all. Such a simple thing. Nobody is, so there's no cause for concern. The thing about doing more than one person usually does, I sometimes expect too much of myself and fall short. After all, I am encased in a human body, not a mechanical one. So I'm focusing (or rather, re-focusing) on what to do next. The eternal question, and one that needs to be answered every day.
I've also been faced with what I believe to be more than my share of negativity. People who go through life wanting a lot, not putting in the requisite effort to get it, and then feel dissatisfied and blaming everything else except their own false assumptions. Knowing that these people are melancholy does not help. However, that will not be a major concern for the future I think. My life path will be putting the balance right very soon. It is true that we have to be careful who we have around us. Negative people bring negative thoughts, and a mind filled with positive thoughts is essential for a positive life.
This month is my month of reflection. I re-evaluate the tenets of my life, and see if they are still true and if I have been true to them.
It is better to do business honestly
I have encountered situations where if I had been willing to pay a bribe, or otherwise engage in unethical behaviors, I would have been able to get lucrative contracts. I have purposely chosen not to do so. As a result, I have loyal clients who appreciate my integrity, and I have a host of people willing to work with me because if that integrity. It is a reputation that has incalculable value. There's also a more fundamental reason. This is not really a business I'm engaged in. It is a vocation. It tarnishes the end result - in my eyes and I believe in the yes of God - when I engage in non-ethical behavior.
I am now going to try to up the ante for myself a little. I have chosen not to work with people who do engage in such practices. Yes, I've made things more difficult for myself. This year, especially, there have been people telling me that this is the only way to get business, and I find them almost believable. However, in the end, I can only feel sorry for such. Doing right or doing wrong is a choice we all make for ourselves. I choose to do right as much as I can, where I can. This is one of the right things that I can do. I hope it compensates for any other right things that I can't do or haven't done.
Having my own business is still better for me than having a job
Yes, its more challenging, there are more risks, things will not always be good. That is a given. But I am better equipped to do this than many others. I have been prepared for it by my parents' upbringing, and by the path that I have chosen for myself all this while. It is like a marriage, and it IS for better and for worse. People who succeed and become rich start just the way I have started, and have faced much worse challenges without giving up. The key is not giving up.
So, yes, I have sent out resume's. But I do that from time to time, when I need external data on how much I am actually worth to organizations. Its been a steady rise all this while - my worth to companies that is. That is always reassuring to know.
Of course, all things are relative. If I am offered a position that would allow me to still carry out my vocation (this business that I have put my life blood into), albeit in slightly modified manner, with compensation that is too good to resist, I might accept. If there is a job out there that would fit me and my vision of my future, then, there is no reason to say no.
Balance is essential
I have lived a great part of my working life as a workaholic. Working day and night with no rest and no time to myself. Pushing myself to the limit of my endurance and beyond. Driving myself towards burnout.
After my last bout of vehicular accidents and illnesses, I have decided that I will take my well-deserved rest when I need it. That IS a correct decision, and I will continue to practice that. Oh, I still sleep less than 4 hours some nights, and 4 hours many nights of the week, but I know how long I can go on doing that, after which I need to get back on solid ground. I relax as I always have, with a book or a movie, sometimes with friends.
I had neglected my exercise, my eating regimen and my nutritional supplements for many months since late 2008, without quite realizing what I was doing. I need to get back on track or my health will suffer again and I will be of no help to anyone. And swimming, of course. Having grown up by the beach in Terengganu, water in all its beautiful forms have fascinated and soothed me, always. I am fortunate now to have arrived into an environment where I can accomplish this in comfort and reasonable happiness.
Put anxieties in their place, and focus on the job at hand
This I have always found difficult to do, and I still find it difficult. It is the difference between KNOWING how something should be done and actually being able to do it. I have always been an emotional person, although I have succeeded in putting it within reasonable limits of late. However, anxiety is an insidious thing -- difficult to control, combat or eradicate. I try to balance it out with positive opinions, but it does take its toll on me. It slows me down, it distracts, I find myself avoiding all reminders of it... but this is dangerous. It is especially dangerous because some of these anxieties stem from the job at hand, and if I avoid doing that, I avoid giving my clients their due.
So I push myself towards its completion regardless. The act of pushing is of course not enjoyable, and things don't flow as smoothly as those that I have no anxiety over. However, I find that the end result is usually better. Its probably because I agonize over it more, so whatever is done has more of my thoughts put into it. I go through it more slowly, so there are less mistakes.
I still haven't decided whether I should work towards eradicating this, or whether it is a positive contribution to my overall being. The jury's still out on this.
Seek and ye shall find
It is true. I seek mentors to bring me to the next mental plane, so that I can better utilize the powers of attraction, better control my spiritual relationships as well as personal ones, and I have come into contact with many potentials. 3 are in the short-list now. I am still not sure which will be the right one, but I have a suspicion... I think that the reason I held off on the first 2 potential mentors I met, was because they were not quite right for me. The last one had great potential.
Never stop learning
I've always had this hunger for knowledge, and I cannot go through many years without enrolling in something or other. While I was working in Architect firms I was studying Information Systems. While I was working in Training I sat in a lot of the training programs, and eventually completed my Masters. I have been itching to do my Doctorate, but I have yet to find the right research topic -- one I could competently research in, using as much as possible my participants as the sample population, and one I would not mind thinking about and researching on for at least 3 to 5 years, which is how long a serious doctorate / PhD would take me. Also, it needs to be a topic that would contribute to my vocation.
Now I am undertaking study towards the Project Mangement Professional certification by PMI. It is certainly challenging. But I decided to study this because there are gaps in my knowledge in this area, and once I fill in those gaps, I have added another area of specialization in which I could competently train others -- and this one is technical and valuable. It slakes my hunger for accumulating knowledge and skills, and this one would be able to contribute to my vocation as well.
I am still very far from "knowing everything" and "being good at everything", which was how I defined what I want to be "when I grew up" to my father when I was still very young, but I am making progress ;-)
Basically, those are the highlights of my review this year. A lot, but maybe still not enough. I'll write more if something else occurs to me.
